its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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