Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
