I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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