I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
