Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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