This show inspires me to have sex in space
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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