my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
