it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
