I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
