I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
