i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
