I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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