that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you traded sex for a burrito?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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