I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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