I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
