So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
