You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
