Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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