Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
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