We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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