I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
