We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
