I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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