I feel like abortions should bother me more
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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