the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
