I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
