If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
