The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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