I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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