I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
