Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
