the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
