I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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