The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
third nipple confirmed
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
