I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
