I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
