She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
