You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
