I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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