I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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