wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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