just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
