Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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