she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
