Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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