Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
