Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
