I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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