just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
