its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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