I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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