pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
