I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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